Maintaining discipline                                          By Dr. Paula Hal

Discipline's particularly complicated in stepfamilies. Some children react to the insecurity by becoming disruptive. Understanding the underlying feelings and working together as a couple will help you through this difficult stage.

It's important to remember that not all bad behaviour will be the result of being part of a new stepfamily. In fact, most of it's probably just 'normal'. Whether you're trying to tame a toddler, battling with a teenager or in the midst of adolescent warfare - discipline is tough. It's the nature of growing up to push the boundaries and to test out parents and other adults. And some children just seem to have a more headstrong disposition than others.

If you're struggling with difficult behaviour, then you first need to work out what's causing it. Is this just normal growing up? Have you been unreasonable or inconsistent? Is your child upset about something else that is going on in their life, at school or with friends? Or is this a reaction to becoming part of a stepfamily?

Bearing in mind that most children would have preferred to stay living in their original family unit, and they had no choice in their step-parent, it's little wonder that the majority of kids kick up a bit of fuss.

Most will have been used to living in a single-parent household where they probably had more of an influence in day-to-day living and the decisions that were being made. A new step-parent, and possibly step-siblings too, usually means new rules and restrictions.

There may be less money, less space and less time, but often the children are expected to have more responsibility. Now they're part of a bigger family, they are often expected to change. But remember - they didn't choose this. Therefore it's essential that you take things slowly and sensitively. Whatever age your children are, they need time to adjust to their new circumstances and to cultivate a relationship where discipline can develop.

Discipline can only be effective in an atmosphere of respect and mutual affection. The birth parent will have had many years to build and nurture a relationship where discipline's expected and accepted. Therefore, at least in the early days, the majority of discipline should be handled by the birth parent.

A step-parent needs to develop a relationship where there is mutual respect and trust before a child will accept discipline. When a child likes a step-parent, they will want to please them and behave well.

1. Be united – it's essential that children know that the adults are a united front. Even if one parent's doing most of the discipline, it's important that the children know that you support each other.

2. Be clear – agree the rules in advance and make sure everyone is clear about what those rules are. Whenever possible, include children in setting the rules.

3. Be consistent – stick to what's been agreed. Make sure everyone in the house lives by the same standards and that everyone knows that no means no.

4. Be flexible – as children grow up, rules need to change and very occasionally it's appropriate to bend a rule because of special circumstances.

5. Be patient – remember that it'll take time for children to adjust to family change and bad behaviour is to be expected - but this is just a phase.

6. Be loving – most importantly, make sure all children know that rules are there because you love them and want what's best for them.

Being a parent                                                              By Claire Husley

New beginnings

There is no one right way to parent and no super-parent out there with all the answers. Although you might not always realise it, looking after yourself properly is an important part of being a caring parent!  Being a parent will probably be the most rewarding thing you'll ever do, and the toughest responsibility.

Being a parent means creating a loving, safe environment for your children as they grow from baby to toddler, right through to the teenage years. You'll need different skills for each stage, but at all times your child will depend on you. You'll become the expert on your child and on what they need to grow into happy, healthy adults. Loving your child, with no strings attached, is the most important thing you can do. But you'll also have to make a huge number of decisions about the best way to bring up your child. Of course this responsibility brings joy and excitement - but it can be overwhelming, frustrating or even boring at times. Most people manage these emotional and practical challenges with a mixture of love, help from relatives and friends, good advice, common sense and luck.

Did you know?

• Parents with young children worry most about their child's sleep and eating. Many say they lack confidence about being a parent.

• Parents of teenagers are often unprepared for this stage in their child's life.

• Going to a parenting group has a good effect on parents' feelings and on how they manage their children's behaviour.

  Early days

  The joy of holding your newborn baby as he or she looks at the world for the first time can be magical. Having a child opens you up to feelings that are almost impossible to imagine in advance.

  After the birth your emotions are often so overwhelming, you can't imagine you will ever forget them. It's worth making an effort to keep some mementos so you can share your memories with others. Remembering these early days may provide just the boost you need during the times when being a parent seems more of a pain than an adventure.

  First memories

  Try one or more of the following:

  • Jot down in a diary your child's birth story. You could record the events leading up to the birth, the moment your child arrived and your and your partner's feelings at the time.

  • Keep a copy of a newspaper from the day of your child's birth. This will remind you of how the world was on that date.

  • Start a photo album for yourselves and your baby.

  • Get other family members to help write the family tree, complete with your new addition. 

    Getting it right

    It's normal to wonder how good a parent you are. Perhaps you're worried that going out to work or being a lone parent will affect your child. You may worry about whether you're being firm enough, or whether you're giving your children what they need. We all hope to get it right and give a good balance of loving care and clear boundaries.

    There is no one right way to parent and no perfect parent out there with all the answers. True, there are some guiding ideas - all children need love and affection, to be kept safe and given limits on how they act, to be warm, fed, clothed and to have the opportunity to learn. Beyond these you'll find many different ways to bring up happy children. Remember - when you feel confident and positive, your children are more likely to feel that way too.